I definitely believe that we recreate patterns when there is an important lesson to learn, and we will continue to do so until that lesson is learned. No problem, right?sometimes it isnt even clear that there is a pattern repeating itself, nevermind learning the lesson behind it. sometimes you know are aware of similarities between what’s happening now and what happened in the past, but haven’t identified the lesson yet. and sometimes the pattern you keep recreating is clear and you can even identify the lesson you need to learn, but whether you aren’t ready or just not sure of the first step, changing something as fundamental as your thought process is a challenge you don’t know how to face. 

For me, the pattern is being with someone who doesn’t take accountability, doesn’t admit their mistakes, and would much rather blame me and avoid any awkward discussions that might reveal the facts. More specifically the pattern I keep repeating is being gaslit, gathering mountains of evidence to defend myself, and ultimately attempt to correct the errors in the accusations. The lesson I have not been able to internalize yet, is that evidence does not work to combat gaslighting and a more effective approach is

I’ve been doing a lot of introspection lately, trying to figure out why I am intrigued and drawn to Mr Coworker, one of my two long term friends with benefits whose personality, values, and goals are objectively incompatible with mine but thankfully those traits are irrelevant to the scope of our interactions. There are many aspects of his character that I disagree with whole heartedly, and I’m sure the feeling is mutual. But we somehow get along amazingly well, we have a connection beyond the superficial one, and I find myself thinking about him way more than appropriate. At first I thought I was catching feelings, maybe I was falling for him. And it seemed as though, despite all our differences, the feeling is mutual. I withdrew to clear my thoughts, and I realized i was in the middle of a relationship parallel (albeit to a much lesser degree) to my relationship with Mr .