Taking some advice I’ve had over the past year, I have decided against deleting this blog and instead to update and maintain it, in order to provide guidance and advice to others in similar situations. I know I would have truly benefitted from any guidance at all, however I wouldn’t have recognized any as such, given that I didnt even recognize that the situation I was in wasn’t unique to me, that many many people have been through the same kinds of abuse, continue to experience this abuse, and there are many accepted steps to follow in order to get out of this situation. I didn’t realize my situation was abusive, I still feel a bit of imposter syndrome when I say I was a victim of domestic violence. Certainly when I was in the middle of it, I wouldn’t have been able to accept that I was experiencing domestic violence, I didn’t think of myself as a victim of abuse so I wouldn’t have even thought help was applicable to my situation.

Even after I had been beaten unconscious back in 2012, I didn’t consider myself to be a victim of domestic violence. And even after days and weeks and months and even years of experiencing accusations and terrible verbal and physical abuse in the relationship that started in 2017, I didn’t consider it to be an abusive relationship. 

I believed (and still have to remind myself of this error of thinking) that I caused the rage and violence of my kids’ dad back in 2012 and had I not stood up for myself, had I not stood up to him, had I just agreed to his demands, he would have never lost his temper. I couldn’t wrap my head around how this is simply false thinking until I imagined someone else in the situation instead of me. If I replayed the events leading up to the violent incident replacing myself with my sister, I feel immediate compassion for her, support for her using her voice, and immense sadness at the despicable way she was treated, how nothing she said or did caused her to deserve being abused.

Logically, I know all this. Emotionally, I am still working on it. I don’t know why denial is such a huge part of this. If I didn’t know I was experiencing domestic violence, it’s no wonder I didn’t recognize help for victims of domestic violence, which is a heart breaking realization as help was all around…