my kids and i moved out. he always accuses me of abandoning him even though he was the reason we were on the landlord’s radar. i didn’t abandon him, i left to preserve my safety and sanity and keep my life from spiraling out of control… the months before the move were absolute hell. he was bullying me physically and verbally, and the drama had begun to involve neighbors and coworkers and i wouldn’t let him affect other parts of my life. i was open to having him in our lives but i needed some distance between us until he got his shit together.

even still, our relationship was on a rollercoaster. he had massive and exaggerated mood swings out of nowhere, from calm to raging fury, always blamed on me, always targeted at me and always unpredictable. it was as though he had no more self-control. and then he would suddenly be apologetic and sweet. at first my kids were a bit shellshocked hearing him yelling at me but i was glad to see they didn’t seem bothered by it after a while.

it bothered me though, being accused of something i would never do. it bothered me, that he didn’t trust me at all, and apparently didn’t even know me enough to know i would never do that. and it bothered me that he could accuse me with nothing more than a hunch as his proof. i was never given a chance, the benefit of the doubt. it was so unfair to be accused and untrusted, i never did anything to break his trust, and his accusations were so random, illogical and unrealistic that there was no way to defend my innocence. it was like walking on eggshells backwards and blindfolded, absolutely helpless to whatever was coming next. these were some of my worst memories.

in the meantime, he was medically diagnosed with a chronic digestive illness and at first i was all in for the supporting role and wanted to be a part of his treatment and appointments. but how could i be supportive to someone who is accusing me nonstop, and i’m constantly having to explain myself throughout the day, telling him where i’ve been and why it took me 15 minutes instead of 10 minutes and who emailed me earlier and why did i get pizza from one place vs the other, why did i change my mind, who did i meet along the way, i’d better not be lying like a dirty little slut. then the apologies and the tears and all the promises and it’s his self esteem and past relationship history and it will never happen again.

but not only did it continue, it got worse and there was no chance of trying to reason anymore. he started accusing me of having guys over when he was sleeping over, meeting guys downstairs when i would be back and forth to the laundry room, letting people into the house to draw on his skin while he was asleep, he said he could hear me through the vents, and he recorded the crackle and static on his phone, there was a table i bought second hand which he said had my initials and someone else’s initials on the tabletop which i couldn’t see at all, and the damning evidence of two dirty coffee cups (?) which i remember arguing about for weeks. i was almost at my breaking point, even living separately it was taking too much emotional and physical energy trying to convince him none of this was true. being doubted and untrusted every day was really starting to affect me. i was starting to think about how to end our relationship.